Breaking up is one of the most difficult decisions you can make. Getting over a breakup can be even harder.
20 Things You Should Never Do to Get Over a Breakup
Updated on May 23, 2025
Don’t beg for another chance
Of course you miss your ex and may still be shocked about the breakup, but getting over a breakup means not pleading for a do-over. “If you feel compelled to do so, examine your motivation,” says New York City–based psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert. “Do you miss your ex specifically, or do you miss the idea of having a partner? The two are very different,” he adds. Respect the other person’s decision and maintain boundaries.
Don’t call or text
Any contact with your ex reinforces and strengthens your attachment, and impedes your recovery, according to counselor Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love: “An important step in healing is to remove your ex from your physical and digital world.”
British dating coach and Get the Guy author Matthew Hussey recommends the 21-day rule, a “three-week period of intentional silence after someone has broken up with us.” Aim to go at least 21 days without contacting your ex if you want to start getting over a breakup. Before you know it, a month will have gone by. The 30 days will become 40, then 50 … and by then, chances are you’ll be feeling much better and will have some additional clarity.
Don’t seek revenge
It’s natural to feel the desire to lash out at your ex, directly or indirectly, but it’s not a smart move, explains licensed marriage and family counselor Ili Rivera Walter, PhD.
“When those feelings arise, take a deep breath and ask your higher self: 1) Is it worth sitting in the negative energy of revenge? 2) Is revenge consistent with who you want to be? 3) How will this serve you, now, or in the future?” she says. “Revenge is a two-edged sword that can leave feelings of shame and remorse.”
Don’t date (or marry!) the next person you meet
With revenge still on the mind and in the heart, it’s very easy to want to replace the missing limb. Resist, advises April Masini, a New York–based relationship and etiquette expert.
“After a painful breakup, being single for a while is the best way to ensure that your next relationship is not impulsive, haphazard and doomed for a repeat breakup,” she says. “Take some time to process what happened and where things didn’t go as you had hoped—and what you want to do differently next time.”
Don’t overdo it on the partying
Sure, it’s tempting to drown your sorrows to get over a breakup, but that’s a mistake. “Some people are looking for validation that they’re still attractive or sexy,” says Jenn Mann, PhD, author of The Relationship Fix: Dr. Jenn’s 6-Step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy. But if you start drinking and partying right after a breakup, you’re just distracting yourself from the grieving process.
“If we don’t take time to grieve and don’t work on ourselves, we are doomed in our next relationship,” she says. After all, the five stages of a breakup—denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance—mirror those of grief for a reason.
Don’t catastrophize it
Getting over a breakup isn’t fun, but it’s also not the end of the world. When times feel tough, Morris recommends giving yourself a little tough love. “Don’t let the intensity of the feelings make you start doubting yourself, using ‘never’ statements and swearing off dating and love ‘forever,'” Morris says. “It is hard and heartbreaking, but you will get over it, move on and you will soon feel better.”
Don’t avoid the pain
To get over a breakup, you may try to avoid your hurt and pain because it’s just too devastating. But you can’t recover from the relationship when you avoid it. Morris warns not to tamp down or avoid your feelings. “Do not expect your emotions to happen in some organized, cookie-cutter way—they will arise at unexpected and perhaps inconvenient times and ways,” she says. “Allow the range of sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, celebration, fear, even hate come to you; face them, experience them and move through them.”
Don’t take to social media
When moving on from a breakup, Walter suggests taking an hour or two to also break up digitally. This includes switching passwords on any social media platforms your ex may have known, closing down any joint accounts and removing stored phone numbers. “Keeping tabs on your ex on social media will keep you stuck in emotional turmoil much longer than necessary,” she says. “Make a clean break as soon as possible, and set yourself free.”
Don’t kiss and tell
When it comes to bad-mouthing your ex, zip it. That’s not the right move for getting over a breakup. “Trash talk reflects more on you than it does on your ex,” Masini says. It’s not polite, attractive or productive. “It drags you down into the mud when what you need is to rise above.”
Even though you’re hurting, try to be the bigger person by staying silent about your ex. The exception to the rule? You can, of course, confide in your close friends and family.
Don’t beat yourself up
Don’t be too hard on yourself when you’re getting over a breakup, advises Guy Winch, PhD, a Psychology Today contributor. “Remember that your ego and self-esteem are already hurting—don’t make it worse,” Winch says. “Be as compassionate toward yourself as you would be to a friend whose heart had just been broken,” he says. If you are struggling to move on, or wish for some outside clarity from someone who doesn’t know your ex, consider talking with a therapist.
Don’t stay home
It’s so easy to wallow in self-pity and check your phone every 30 seconds, hoping your ex will text you begging to start fresh. However, many experts believe keeping yourself busy is a great way to get over a breakup. “Find at least two, and up to five, things that you can do every single day for yourself that make you feel great, and that help you fill your time,” says dating and relationship expert and author Bonny Albo.
“Keeping busy, even if it is a bit cliché, does help, and soon enough, you’ll have so many new things going on that you truly love and are passionate about you won’t even have time to think about your ex.”
Don’t lose sight of who you are as an individual
Embrace your “me” time and cultivate your interests as an individual as you gradually move on from the relationship. “After you regroup from the loss, have fun in your singleness and learn to establish yourself without the relationship. Take a class to enhance yourself as a person,” says licensed professional counselor Felicia Pressley, PhD. “Now’s the time to learn a new language, join a swim club or cook solo.” Perhaps you’ll meet a new friend or a love interest in your yoga, cooking or kickboxing class!
Don’t neglect any responsibility
No one wants to feel like it was their fault that a relationship ended, but the reality is that relationships are a two-way street. “Although the other person may be mainly at fault, they are not solely responsible for the end of the relationship,” says Morris.
Consider examining your part in the breakup to help you figure out what lessons you can take away from it all. Instead of blaming the other person and quickly moving on, David Klow, a licensed marriage and family counselor and author of You Are Not Crazy, recommends doing a self-assessment and considering your own role in the relationship.
Don’t be a hater
At the end of the day, your ex is a human being who is trying to figure out their own life. Release yourself from pain and resentment. “You don’t have to wish rainbows and a hot new romantic partner to your ex, but tap into the love you have for that person and use that goodness to help you move into happiness yourself,” says Morris. This positive energy will be useful for your healing too.
Don’t turn to alcohol or other substances
“Any external coping mechanism, such as the over-use of food, drugs, alcohol or sex, only numbs the emotional pain of the breakup,” warns Walter. “Substance use also goes hand-in-hand with additional risks, such as potential criminal charges, increased substance dependence, sexually transmitted infections and victimization, among others.”
Don’t see the relationship as a failure
We all fall for a person for different reasons. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it was a giant mistake. “If you connected to this person, were vulnerable enough to connect in a way where you felt loved and gave love, it was not a failure,” Morris says. “See the purpose and need for the relationship to be completed and how it served you as much as was needed.”
Don’t start a restrictive diet
Unless this is a diet you were planning on trying before the breakup, why start it now? “You’ll only binge later to make up for the calories that you’re depriving yourself of now,” says Tammy Nelson, PhD, a certified sex therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want. “Now is not the time for deprivation. Instead, you deserve something sweet.”
Don’t over-idealize your ex
In acute relationship withdrawal, it’s easy to over-idealize your ex and focus solely on the positive parts of the relationship, explains Bobby, especially if you still love them. But she warns that this is a big mistake.
“All relationships are a mixed bag, and at the very least … you loved a person who did not love you back the same way,” she says. “Remind yourself that love and attraction are complex, and just because your ex didn’t feel the same way about you does not mean you’re not worthy of love and respect.”
Don’t jet off somewhere spontaneously
“It might be tempting to jump on a plane and take some time in some romantic-sounding citadel-exploring beach resort, but exploring the jungle is not a good way to heal,” Nelson says. This only distracts you for so long, and then you’re back at home. In other words, it only delays the healing temporarily. “Stay home and watch documentaries instead—you’ll avoid having to get shots and waking up without your mosquito netting,” she says.
Don’t give yourself a time limit
It’s important to understand that there’s no fixed timeline for how long it normally takes to get over a breakup, nor is it one size fits all. Your best friend may have gotten over their breakup in three months, but it could take you less—or more—time.
While things like relationship length, circumstances regarding the breakup or the support system you have may be a factor, “recovery is a process, with specific stages and steps,” says Bobby. “Acknowledging and respecting that can help you create a healthy and authentic path to growth and healing.” Be patient with yourself.
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For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experiences where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Bonny Albo, author of Flip the Single Switch: 5 Days To Ditch the Duds and Create the Love Life Of Your Dreams
- Jonathan Alpert, psychotherapist, HuffPost columnist and author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days
- Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching, author of Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love and host of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast
- Matthew Hussey, professional speaker, coach and New York Times bestselling author of Get the Guy
- David Klow, LMFT, owner of Skylight Counseling Center and the author of You Are Not Crazy
- Jenn Mann, PhD, author of The Relationship Fix: Dr. Jenn’s 6-Step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy
- April Masini, New York–based relationship and etiquette expert
- Juliana Hauser, PhD, marriage and family therapist and licensed professional counselor
- Tammy Nelson, PhD, certified sex therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want
- Felicia Pressley, PhD, former assistant professor in the counseling department at Argosy University
- Ili Rivera Walter, PhD, professor of marriage and family therapy
- Guy Winch, PhD, Psychology Today contributor
