What are nonnegotiables? Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin shares a powerful tool for living authentically, setting boundaries and pursuing a life around your values.
How to Define Your Nonnegotiables—And Get Others to Respect Them
Updated on Jun. 10, 2025
One of the biggest shifts to come out of the pandemic was a collective re-evaluation of what truly matters. We paused to ask ourselves life’s big questions: How can I find true meaning? What are nonnegotiables for me? And how can I live more intentionally? Then we clarified the values we were no longer willing to compromise.
Researchers call it the Great Realization, and data from a recent Northwestern Mutual survey backs it up. Eight out of 10 respondents said they planned at least one major life change in the next two years. Their top goals included traveling for an extended time (30%), purchasing a home (27%), growing their family (21%) and starting a new passion project (21%). But perhaps most telling: Nearly 70% said they worry that if they don’t start acting on their life goals in the next 12 months, they may never do it.
Does that fear sound familiar? One way to ensure that you feel happy and fulfilled in your life is to define and enforce your nonnegotiables, says Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project and Better Than Before, who partnered with Northwestern on The Great Realization. Establishing nonnegotiables is a powerful tool for achieving your goals. They can also help you be happier by teaching you to say no, set boundaries and maintain a healthy work-life balance. Ahead, we’ll walk you through what nonnegotiables are, how to identify yours and ways to use them to create a life that reflects your values.
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What are nonnegotiables?
“At their core, nonnegotiables are any deeply held beliefs that are so important to you that you will not compromise them,” says Rubin.
These uncompromising beliefs can apply to any area of your life—including work, hobbies and daily habits. But they may matter most in relationships with friends, family, partners and other loved ones.
Nonnegotiables are rooted in your core values. They’re shaped by your priorities and upheld through healthy boundaries.
Examples of nonnegotiables
Seeing examples of what other people consider nonnegotiable can be very helpful when learning how to make your own list, says Rubin.
“For example, when I was dating, one of my personal nonnegotiables was my goal of starting a family and having children, and that wasn’t something I was willing to compromise on,” she says. “So anyone I dated needed to also share that priority.”
Clearly stating her nonnegotiables in a relationship helped her find a partner who could meet that need and reduced conflict later on. It’s one reason she ended up with her husband, Jamie, and two beloved children.
Of course, nonnegotiables aren’t just for romantic relationships. Even if you’ve committed to the single life, you can use nonnegotiables in relationships with friends, family and co-workers.
Other common examples of nonnegotiables include:
- Where to live
- Whether or not to have pets
- Religion or spirituality
- Travel
- How to save and spend money
Everyone can benefit from crafting a list of their uncompromising values, so start by coming up with those that hold the greatest meaning for you. The five expert-approved tips below are a great place to start.
How to identify your nonnegotiables
While this concept can be simple to understand, it’s harder to put into practice because many of us aren’t used to thinking about our value system this way, says Rubin. Many people act instinctively and then determine whether their actions align with their beliefs. But having nonnegotiables teaches you to focus on your values and priorities first, then act authentically from a place of self-confidence.
Break out the goal-setting vision board, folks! It’s time to figure out your nonnegotiables.
1. Write a ranked list of your core values
All your goals and priorities start with understanding what’s truly important to you. This might include finding a purpose in life that’s bigger than yourself, being honest, helping others, contributing to your field of work, learning new things, exploring the world, showing patriotism, staying connected to family or practicing spirituality.
(It can be helpful to do a digital detox during this time so you’re not distracted by less important things.)
2. Write a list of your top 10 priorities
Once you understand your values, make a list of the top 10 things you prioritize in your life. These should be directly tied to one or more of your core values. For instance, if helping others is important to you, you may prioritize becoming a volunteer. (Bonus: There are a ton of great benefits of volunteering.) If travel is important to you, you might aim to visit 25 countries over your lifetime.
3. Make a list of goals to help you achieve each priority
Just as your priorities support your core values, your goals reinforce your priorities. If traveling to 25 countries is on your top 10 list, you’ll need to set some solid goals to make it happen. Maybe you need to learn a new language. Maybe you need to move into a career that offers more opportunities to travel. Or perhaps you need to make a certain amount of money to save for a retirement that lets you travel as much as you want. (Yup, money can buy happiness, especially when financial freedom shapes so many life goals.)
4. Define what is nonnegotiable about each goal
When it comes to the goals that support your priorities, you’ll need to be open to a little give and take. You may be willing to compromise on some things—like salary or language lessons in the travel example above.
But as you think through your goals, you’ll likely find certain essential elements you can’t compromise, like a life partner who shares your passion for travel and trying new things. Those are your nonnegotiables.
5. Share your lists with your loved ones
We don’t operate in a vacuum, and our relationships definitely influence our values, priorities and goals. It’s important to discuss all these things with your partner and family.
You don’t have to base your nonnegotiables entirely on their wants and opinions. But if your loved ones matter to you, it’s worth considering their perspective or rethinking the relationship if your values and priorities don’t align.
How to live by your nonnegotiables
Planning ahead and creating firm boundaries are the two most important steps when it comes to living authentically and honoring your nonnegotiable values, says Rubin.
Once you know what your nonnegotiables are, it’s essential to anticipate situations that might challenge them and come up with clear boundaries that will help you stay firm. For example, if you know you need to retire by 60 to achieve your travel goals, you may have to set financial boundaries with your spending to make sure that is an option.
Not only do you need to respect these boundaries, but you also need to make sure your partner or family agrees with your goal.
Easier said than done, right? Boundaries can be easy to lose in the moment, particularly if you’re prone to people-pleasing. Practicing your boundaries through journaling or role-playing can help you feel more confident, grounded and prepared.
When to modify your nonnegotiables
If that all sounds a little uncompromising, that’s because it is. Nonnegotiables are, by their very nature, hard lines. But life doesn’t always go the way we plan, and there are events that may necessitate changing one or more of your nonnegotiables.
These could include a serious illness, a natural disaster, a job loss, a divorce, the death of a loved one, a big move, the birth or adoption of a child or other major life changes. These big changes may lead you to reevaluate your priorities and alter your core values. And that’s OK. In fact, that’s how it’s supposed to work!
The point of nonnegotiables is to help you live your best life and be happy, not to confine you to a prison of your own making. “Ultimately, we are happiest when we are living our lives in line with our values, and knowing your nonnegotiables is a way to help you do that,” says Rubin.
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Sources:
- Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project and Better Than Before
- Northwestern Mutual: “Northwestern Mutual Unveils ‘The Great Realization’”
